Saturday, December 5, 2009

When everything falls apart, LET IT

I've been absent from blogspot lately so I will need to catch up on all of your lives this week. I'd like you to all catch up on mine, and leave a comment. In my last entry, I told you about how Derek said he missed me and wanted to hang out. I was contemplating whether to do that and what I felt about us. I ended up seeing Derek that night. We met for drinks then when we got back he asked me if I wanted to come up for a while. And I said, ok I would for just a few minutes. We talked for a little while and when I said I was ready to go, he asked if he could at least get a kiss on the cheek. I knew he was trying to work his way back in but I thought I could humor him so when I leaned in to kiss his cheek, he turned his head so that my lips touched his then somehow I was unable to resist his kiss.

I went out with him and some of his coworkers the next day and he told me how much it meant to him that I came. Then, the day after he and I went to the charity event together and it was a lot of fun. We had a great weekend together. Since then, I've had a birthday which he absolutely spoiled me for and after being out of town for Thanksgiving, he told me how much he missed me. And somehow things were back to normal.

Yet, this week he was a little distant. It was a rough week for me and it made me resent him a little that he wasn't around as much as normal. I am such a giver in all relationships. I listen and offer advice. I give back massages and cook dinner and surprise my boyfriends with baked goods and cute little notes when I know they're going to have a hard day of will be super busy with a heavy workload. Because of this, it really frustrated me that he wasn't around to offer any support for me this week whatsoever. I don't demand a lot from a guy. But it would be nice to get the same things I give in return.

We had an argument over this and Jake tried very hard to convince me to come visit with him. He has fight-radar. Its a type of sixth sense where he knows when things are rough between Derek and I and tries to lure me into his bed. I resisted the temptation, though. It wouldn't hurt Derek if he never found out which he probably never would. We're not in a real relationship so it isn't cheating. Yet, when it came down to whether to get in my car and drive to the very next apartment complex and keep Jake company in his empty apartment, I couldn't do it. I wouldn't. Out of respect for Derek and the fact that he's the only person I want to be sleeping with.

Then, last night we went out with several other couples. Actual couples, not people in pseudo-relationships like mine and Derek. We had a great night together but today he asked me if we were still on the same page as far as our situation goes. Basically, after seeing all these other couples together and doing all kinds of couple things was I still ok with not being a couple. And I am and every day that goes by the possibility of ever being one again is less and less appealing to me. Too much time is passing, and despite how much I do like him, I still don't love him and I don't feel like I'm moving toward love. And I don't think its because there's not potential or we don't have enough chemistry for love to grow between us, its just that my feelings seem to be moving in reverse now. Because how could I love someone who is too scared of relationships to commit to me? That's the cornerstone of all love relationships; commitment.

After realizing this, it felt like things were falling apart. I know I can't go on like this. I need a step back. Slowly, I need to spend a little less time with him, evaluate things. I don't need to expend effort to make this work or to make him happy right now. I'm starting to think that when everything falls apart, its best to just let it and see what happens with the pieces without interfering.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

"Without you next to me I toss and turn like the sea"

I had a restless night last night. I talked with Derek yesterday evening about the charity event we are going to together on Saturday. It was a fine conversation, cordial. But left me feeling empty. Then, that talk was followed by a series of strange events as I was finishing up my work before going to bed.

First, I logged on to facebook to procrastinate for a bit before doing my work. Then, the boy I dated during my freshman year of college facebook chatted me then he ended up texting me later in the evening. We're getting together for lunch when I go to visit my parents for Thanksgiving. I felt really bad for the way that ended. I completely sabataged that relationship because I just didn't want a boyfriend. He was a great guy and treated me incredibly well. I just didn't want to be with anyone. I needed a break after a three year relationship. And that is exactly how Derek claims to feel now. He likes me but its bad timing. So now, being reminded of the way I felt back then, makes me wonder if their might be validity in Derek's claims after all?

Then, as if right on cue, my high school boyfriend sent me a text completely out of the blue. We don't talk anymore. We dated for three years and it ended very poorly. I've changed phones since we last talked so I didn't realize it was him at first. We talked for over an hour and reminised about how much fun we had back in the day and how much everything has changed in our lives now. It was nice to talk but I felt absolutely nothing for him. It was comforting to know that people can move on from a long, serious relationship, awful breakup, and terrible heartbreak and be normal again. It makes me wonder if one day all the crap that Derek's ex-girlfriend did will really be in the past and if he'll feel about her the way I felt about my ex last night - absolutely nothing.

This brings me to the reason these things are plaguing me. I had a restless night thinking about these things - wondering about Derek. Then, he and I talked today and he asked if we were ever going to hang out again. And I said that we could. He asked what I meant by hang out and I said I didn't know, we'd just have to have patience and see how things go. Then he said he missed me. He said he likes me, he just doesn't love me. He said he misses me and wants to see me but doesn't want a girlfriend. And I said, I like him too and that I'd missed him. Then I said I just didn't know what to do or how I felt.

And that is the truth. I can be satisfied without a relationship right now. This is a busy time in my life and there's so much I want to do before I leave school and leave this place. I have the rest of my life to be committed to someone and to be in love. Yet, wouldn't it be stupid to pretend this whole past week never happened and to go back to a pseudo-relationship that might be headed nowhere??? Wouldn't I be locking myself down to a dead-end situation? This would surely end in disaster, with my heart broken because I know that even if not right now, eventually, I'm going to want what he says he can't give me. And I'm not good at wanting things I can't have.

Its going to be another sleepless night, I think. Last night I tossed and turned for hours craving his arms to be wrapped around me, to pretend like everything was good again.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

In the world of breakups: Control is power and control is peace of mind

Well I have a date with Christopher. This is a brand new boy. I met him over the weekend and we are going out on Friday. He is very cute - tall, blonde, super attractive. I met him while out of town over the weekend. Ironically, I met him because of the end of my pseudo-relationship with Derek. Had that not occurred at the exact moment it did, I would have never gone out of town by myself and would not have met Christopher. Its so funny how life's events line up as consequences of one another.

Christopher is taking me to a restaurant where I have had four first dates - none of which have resulted in a second date. I am thinking about suggesting a change in venue?

I told Derek we would speak late in the week because we are going to a charity event together on Saturday (please note my upcoming back-to-back dates). Anyway, I did not really want to speak until then. So, I already mentioned that he texted me Saturday night, which was the day we broke things off while we were both out of town - to the same town, coincidentally. Then he facebook chatted me yesterday and we talked briefly but he signed off without saying goodbye. He just sent me another text message a few minutes ago an dwe talked via text for about twenty minutes then I asked him how his day was and he never answered.

This should be fine with me because I wanted a little break from talking to him, some time to think about things and transition from what we were to a friendship. But it tugs at my emotions when he starts a conversation with me then goes MIA, without ending it. Its because he has the control. And I want to be the one in control.

Control gives you power and control gives you peace in a breakup. So I really like to be the one with the control. So far I'm feeling good with this decision and feeling that we are doing the right thing, but at moments like that, when he has all the power, I start to get second thoughts.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Taking a stand and moving on...

Its been quite a while since my last post. Its been a busy couple weeks but I will getting back to blogging this week and will get caught up on everyone's blogs tomorrow and Tuesday in my downtime at work.

Well...the past two weeks have been so busy because I've been spending all my spare time away from school and work with Derek. In the past two weeks, prior to yesterday and today, there were only two days we didn't spend together. We'd been having a great time. We took a quick overnight trip together on Halloween weekend and have gone to dinner, out with friends, and spent plenty of days cuddling on the couch watchin a movie or baseball game. And things were going great. I turned down a couple offers to meet up with Jake, staying true to the monogamy of this pseudo-relationship I seem to find myself in.

We were both in awful moods on Thursday so we went to dinner, had some drinks, then had an amazing sex session and spent a couple hours lounging around naked talking and cuddling and further improving each other's moods. Then we went out with a huge group of friends on Friday and it was fun. We made our way back to his apartment and went straight to bed since it would be an early morning for both of us on Saturday morning. We had plans to go out of town together again for a sporting event on Saturday after work. Then before falling asleep, he asked me if I was still ok with this situation we were in. And I said that I was. He said he's enjoying spending so much time with me but still doesn't want to get serious yet. He wants to keep things casual because he still isn't ready for another relationship. So I told him I understood and that it was ok with me. Then we drifted off to sleep.

There was no touching or cuddling and I could barely sleep the whole night. I had just re-committed myself to this pseudo-relationship where we can go on dates and talk everyday and have monogamous sex without actually assumming the status of being in a relationship. This had been my opportunity for an out, for me to say that I do believe in relationships and I believe in giving people chances. This was my opportunity to stand up for what I believe about relationships and to stand up for myself. And I didn't. So I tossed and turned all night. Actually, I didn't toss and turn. I stayed completely still and awake making sure not to wake Derek up. I thought and thought and contemplated running home to my own bed to get some sleep without his presence looming over me but was afraid to wake him. So when the alarm finally went off, we got up, got dressed and he got ready to shower for work. Then I said, "Derek, I think we should try this as strictly friends for a while." And I went into my reasoning, told him I'd talk with him sometime towards the end of the week, and I left. It was obviously not what he was expecting from his reaction to this talk but I felt that I had to do it to retain some pride and some respect for myself. So I walked away.

I came home and took a scalding hot shower where I cried the entire time. Then, I got out and got dressed and moved on with my weekend. I went to visit my sister and he went to spend the weekend with friends. These friends and my sister live in the same small town. So were out and about in such close proximity on Saturday night but we didn't run into each other. He sent me a text to see how my night was. So I texted him back and said it was good and that I hoped his weekend went well too. Then I enjoyed the rest of my weekend and even met a new boy, henceforth called Christopher. I don't know what I want to happen there but we are seeing each other again this weekend. I'm wondering if he is my form of rebound from Derek or just the beginning of my moving on...

Monday, October 26, 2009

Some days are simply bittersweet

I've just returned from a long weekend with several of my girlfriends. This was full of days at the pool and beach, delicious dinners at popular restaurants in one of my favorite cities, cute dresses and sexy outfits, and an overall great time. This was a time for bonding and celebration with the girls and attention from cute boys who sent over free drinks.

While this was fun and I enjoyed the break from "real life" I really missed Derek. The break was fine for the first day or so but by Saturday I was missing him like crazy. I wasn't appreciating the cute beach boys who were flirting with me, buying me drinks, and asking for my phone number. I wasn't appreciating the fact that I am technically single while on vacation. I was just missing him and a little sad that I had to go to bed alone. I had a hard time falling asleep because I wanted his arms around me.

Yet at the same time, I know that I'm not happy with the way things are right now. I don't want to talk about it or discuss it yet. I want him to have more time. And I need more time to know what exactly it is that I do want. All I know is that I don't like the situation we're in. It doesn't make me happy. But I don't know what will. Will I be happier if I cut my losses early and move on. Its only been four months so it would hurt to end this but the pain would probably be fairly short lived. Or should I be patient now and stick it out to see what happens? We definitely have potential and I do care about him. I know he cares about me too, but I don't know where this is going. I don't know where I want it to go. And unfortunately, neither does he. So is it better to cut my losses early and move on to a healthier, less complicated situation. I could be single for a while or meet someone else. Or is it worth the risk of being hurt worse in a couple months?

Thoughts like this make my day feel bittersweet. I'm happy to be home, happy to be back to reality and back to close proximity to him. But also, the confusion and complication is here too. And the combination has made this day feel bittersweet.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Sometimes life seems to come to a standstill...

Right now my life feels as if it has come to a standstill. Its waiting for me to make a choice. For Derek to make a choice. Its waiting for someone to make a decision that will cause some kind of action, that will determine what the future will hold. But right now, in this moment tonight, it is at a standstill.

The world is going by around me. The season has changed from the warm beginning of summer when I met Derek to the cool, crisp air of fall and there was frost on my car when I left for class this morning. My last full semester is creeping by, moving me steadily towards graduation and a world beyond this. Quizzes and papers and midterms are sneaking in and I feel finals approaching. Every time I blink my eyes another day at my current job, where I’ve been for three years, has passed and I am just weeks from my final day there. The time I have left with my college is limited and the days are passing so quickly. Despite how fast time is moving and at how fast a pace the world is changing, my life seems to be at a standstill.

I wonder what exactly it is that I feel for Derek. I know I’m not in love with him. But I don’t know if I’m not in love with him yet or if its just not there and there’s no potential to ever be in love with him. I know I like him a lot. I like spending time with him. I feel comfortable snuggling in his arms and I long for his kisses and miss his fun personality on the days I don’t see him. But if I’m not in love with him, then what exactly am I doing in this situation?

Derek and I have been doing our share of arguing this week. All over really stupid trivial things. It all started over him cancelling at the last minute for a day trip he had asked me to go on with him. Of course my feelings were hurt that he cancelled at the last minute but I wasn’t really angry. It just made me wonder how much am I actually valued by him?? Then, we were both on edge afterwards, finding little things to argue over and blow out of proportion. Each time my feelings would be so hurt and I would feel miserable. But also, each time I would long to text Jake – to try to arrange to see him. I didn’t text him though because I couldn’t figure out why I was longing for him. Was it to make myself feel better over Derek? Was it to secretly get back at Derek for starting fights with me? Or was it just because I wanted to feel wanted?

Life feels like it is at a standstill. I don’t know what’s in store for me next and I don’t know what decision to make about Derek. Do I wait it out and see where our situation goes? Do I walk away from him now and look for something less complicated?

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Baby, I get so RESTLESS

Today, I am feeling a little restless. Maybe its the bad weather - its been raining for days and the temperature has turned cold. Maybe its the pressure from my midterms and assignments due over the next couple days. Maybe its thoughts about my future and life after I graduate. Maybe its confusion over Derek. But probably, its a combination of all of these.

I am feeling the need to take some sort of action - to do something. I don't know what exactly, but I'm finding myself frustrated sitting here attempting to study. I thought about taking a break to calm myself down from the day before transitioning into studying. I thought about getting on facebook to chat for about thirty minutes with some friends. I thought about wating Friends reruns on TV. I thought about cooking something delicious. I thought about taking a quick cat nap or a hot bubble bath. But none of these were appealing. So here I am blogging because I am too frustrated to do anything productive.

I don't think it is just one aspect of my life that is making me feel this way. I think it is a culmination of everything. I feel grown up yet I'm stuck with a semester and a half left of college then the necessity of a master's degree weighing down on me. I'm starting to get tired of this city. I'm tired of my situation with Derek. I want to move. I want to start over.

Which makes me think back to four years ago...I was a senior in high school with college fast appraoching. I was in a long term relationship that wasn't right for me. I changed my mind about going to the local university in the fall and decided to go here. New school. New friends. New city. New life. It was hard to end things with my then-boyfriend. It broke my heart. It was hard to leave all my best friends. It was hard to be away from my family and to cut off ties with everything I'd grown up knowing and taking for granted. But it was definitely the right thing to do. I have a wonderful education, have made wonderful professional contacts, have wonderful friends, and a wonferful, fun life.

But now I am bored with it. I'm frustrated over it and I'm feeling restless. I can take a new job and start over in a new city. New job. New friends. New city. New life. All of my close friends are graduating too and they'll move on to graduate school and to take jobs away from this city. A few stragglers might stay but mostly, I'll have to make new friends no matter where I am to fill the voids in my social life. Starting over might be a great idea. It would alleviate the Derek frustration and give me a change of pace.

Consistency and stability is what we all hope to achieve in life. A stable job we enjoy. A stable relationship with someone to love. Consistency in our daily routine. But I have my whole life ahead to achieve those things. Maybe I need some change, some inconsistency and instability right now. I'm wondering if a change of pace might be what I'm so restless for.

If you're stopping by to take a look or if you're reading regularly, drop a comment to let me know you came by. I'll be happy to take a look and follow you're blogging if I'm not already!

Sunday, October 11, 2009

If all is fair in love and war, why is it so easy to get hurt?

I had a wonderful weekend with Derek this weekend. We'd had a couple arguments throughout the week because we'd both been too busy to get together. On the nights he was free I wasn't and whenever I could've gotten together he had something he had to do. Then, we hung out at his apartment Friday night. I got back from a dinner with some friends pretty late so we just talked and snuggled for a little while, then went to bed. I woke up in one of his big t-shirts and with his arms wrapped around me. I went home when he left for work then he called me around lunch time and asked to take me out Saturday night. We had a great dinner then met up with some friends to watch his college team's football game. Then we went back to his apartment, ate a snack, then went to bed. Again I woke up in his arms, we laid in bed talking for a little while, then got dressed and watched a little tv. Then, I went home to run some errands and study. He called this afternoon and asked me to come to a concert with him. I couldn't go though because I needed to study some more and I have a meeting tonight in just a few minutes. It made me feel good though that he wanted to spend his whole weekend with me.

On another note, Jake has been adamently trying to meet up with me throughout the week. He even called several times while I was with Derek this weekend. Because things are so complicated with Derek, I'm tempted to say yes to Jake every time. Starting another affair with Jake would make what's going on with Derek less serious, less hurtful, and less confusing. It would take some of the feeling and emotion out of it. But isn't that wrong? Isn't having sex with Jake in order to feel better about Derek wrong? Not to mention, even though we aren't a couple anymore, I still feel like it would hurt Derek if he found out I was having sex with Jake. And even though, in a way, that's what he deserves for ending things with us, I don't want to hurt him. I can't.

Derek ended our relationship because he wasn't ready for a relationship. He still wanted to spend time together and when I wasn't up for it and was walking away, out of his life, he said, "I'm just not ready for a relationship. I just don't want one right now. But I want you." And I thought it was such a dumb reason for us not to be together and we have still been hanging out a lot and spending tons of time together. But it isn't the same. And I've been a little frustrated over it. Then, in one of our conversations this weekend, he confessed to me part of what was going on when his last relationship ended. We'd both been sharing a little about our last serious relationships and he told me how his ex girlfriend, Jessica got pregnant and had an abortion without telling him first. That wasn't what ultimately ended thier relationship but it was part of it. I couldn't imagine the roller coaster of emotions that he would be feeling at that point of time. And that wasn't even a year ago. But at the same time, this just reminds me that I'm bound to get hurt in this situation. And even though, my heart goes out to him and all he was put through in his last relationship, is it fair for me to let myself get hurt just because he got hurt in his last relationship?

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

COMPLEXITY: why can't life be simple?

So I just typed a whole blog and it deleted itself. For future reference - is there an undo button in blogger like in programs like Microsoft Word????

Now I really must write a condensed version of what I just wrote. I have been MIA from blogger for a couple days and its late and i must study so I am going to rewrite a quick entry and will read and catch up on everyone's blogs who replied to this and my last blog tomorrow afternoon.

So Derek and I got in an argument today. Super condensed version: I was asked out on a date by a guy aquaintance. I accepted. Derek found out about this the night before the date and acted fine with it. Then we returned to his apartment and he mentioned it and suggested that he wasn't happy about it. Same type of hinting that he wasn't pleased with the idea the next several times we talked - both the morning of my date with someone else and the morning after. Then today we got in a facebook chat war about it to the point where I was so upset I had to just log off and leave my apartment and go chill with some friends just to keep myself from crying. Please note: we are adults - not middle or high school students.

Then tonight I am supposed to hang out with Jake. He asked me to come over. I said I would come but now I have just decided that I will not be going. I feel that I am just kind of done with this fling/affair. If I went tonight I would sleep with him and if I slept with him then I would only be doing it to get back at Derek. And it wouldn't actually hurt Derek because Derek would not know about it. So I would basically be using Jake to make myself feel better about Derek and my argument. And even though there is usually some using going on in affairs, that is still wrong.

So now I'm sitting here in my apartment, preparing to study for a midterm. That is a good idea. But I am still hurt from mine and Derek's argument as well as confused by it. I don't understand what he wants from me. And I hate that feeling. I hate caring. But regardless of it all, I am not going to hook up with Jake tonight. I am going to stay here in my own bed, all alone, studying for my midterm. This good behavior is quite impressive.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Life is a series of CHOICES

I worked with a girl at a summer camp two years ago and she had the philosophy that "life is a series of choices and their consequences." She was a super cute girl - petite, blonde, bubbly. She's the kind of girl you would expect to believe in fairy tales and true love. That's why it was so suprising that she had this matter of fact outlook on life. And on love.

I was raised with a Christian upbringing and attended church regularly. I still do, even in my adult life. One of the religious topics I remember being really interested in all my life was that of predestination. Does we really have free will to make our own choices or does God have a path chosen and laid out for us?

I don't really know what I believe about this. I'd like to think I'm idealistic and that I believe some things are simply meant to be. Yet, at the same time, I find myself sitting here at my desk thinking about the choices that led me here to where I am tonight. Sometimes even the smallest choice can have huge reprocussions. For example, had I not followed my best friend into the bar where she met her boyfriend, I would never have met Derek.

Or, what if the very first time Jake tried to begin a fling with me, I shot him down. What if I never returned any of his texts or phonecalls or never even hung out with him. What if I followed my common sense and never began an affair with him. Had I not, I might never have met Derek. I might have begun a relationship with someone else entirely - someone I overlooked while I was preoccupied with Jake. Something as small as that could have changed my life altogether.

And tonight: Derek asked me to hang out. It is a bad idea. I don't know if I'm going yet because he hasn't gotten off work or called to confirm. But regardless - I'm sitting here wondering what exactly does he feel for me? What exactly do I feel for him? Is spending time with him wrong if its probably not going anywhere? Am I sure this is really a dead end or could it actually go somewhere? Could I see myself getting serious with him? If not, then aren't I wasting my time and effort regardless?

These feelings are a series of choices and their consequences. I met a boy in a bar. He asked my friends and I to join his table. He was trying to get my attention but I was distracted by texts from Jake. So he began talking to my friend. He got a little too friendly so she and I decided to go across the street to the bar where the guy she had been talking with was hanging out with friends. He invited us to an after party and we decided to go - which is where I met Derek. I agreed to go out on a date with Derek when he asked and ended up going out on more and more dates. Then, I decided to stop seeing Jake and end the affair with him. I agreed to be in a relationship with Derek when he asked even though I am not a relationship person. Consequently, we broke up about two months later. Then I agreed to see him when he asked and am not in this very unique, complicated situation with him. So he asked me to hang out tonight and I chose to accept..but despite that I am sitting here thinking about our situation, my feelings for him, and wondering what exactly it is that we both want. What I am doing right now, my life at the moment, is the result of a series of choices.

So maybe this girl, my co-worker, was right - Life, and love even, is a series of choices and their consequences.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Common Sense: Sometime it evades you when you need it most

Hi everyone!

Its been a couple days since I've written and what an eventful week it has been already! Before I get started, I just wanted to remind you that if you comment on my blog don't forget to leave your url and I will read yours and comment also.

Since I've just started this blog some of what I am writing is a little backdated because I didn't have a blog when it happened. So to get a brief timeline: The boy I had this little fling/affair with - I will call Jake from now on. Also, the very recent ex boyfriend I will call Derek. I've known Jake for over two years but the actual affair began in the late spring until early summer. Then I met Derek and we dated for about three months until last week. Hope that makes things less confusing.

Anyway, as far as the title of this entry goes - I am wondering why common sense escapes us at times where it really is necessary to use it. The specific situation that is making me wonder this occurred earlier this week when Derek called wanting to get together. This immediately shot up a red flag for me because it has only been a week since we broke up and hanging out too soon always seems like it ends in catastrophe.

Well somehow, my common sense escapes me for the first time of that evening and I agree to hang out. At his apartment. Then when I get there, he is all cheerful and happy to see me and we open a couple beers and settle down to talk and watch TV. This makes me feel better about the whole break up because I think at least we can be friends. It wasn't that serious to begin with so friends seems like a good compromise.

Then he keeps letting his leg touch my leg, or his arm tough my arm, then his hand is on my knee and his fingers are stroking my hair and I am starting to think this is not going in a very friendly direction. Then he kisses me. And talk about undeniable - this kiss was undeniable. Even more so than the kiss that sent my friendship with Jack over the line into an affair. Then one thing leads to another. Our kiss leads to full on making out which leads to fooling around which leads to amazing love making. That was the second time my common sense evaded me that evening.

I don't know who out there would agree with me but I feel that the majority of you would when I say generally speaking - having sex with your ex is a bad idea.

So of course afterwards comes the talking. And we are able to joke around like usual and talk about our plans for the rest of the week. He tells me he's missed me and talking to me every day. I try to act cool like this whole situation hasn't bothered me at all. Which obviously is not the truth since I so easily fell in bed with him. We start talking about his last relationship and how that scarred him. I say I totally understand and tell him a story about my last serious relationship. I tell him I don't normally do relationships and that we rushed into it. He says he completely agrees but still wishes we could spend time together and date casually. However, as he is explaining this my mind suddenly changes. I do understand how our current relationships are colored by our past relationships. But what I am thinking at this point was why is my life being impacted by a girl I have never met?

So as Derek is finishing talking about how he has missed me and how glad he is that I came over and commenting on how good my hair smells, I am starting to get confused and frustrated. He pulls the cover over us and strokes my arm as he lays there next to me. Then, I sit up, reach for my first article of clothing, and say "I really should proof read my history paper." He looks at me, completely confused (especially since he knows history is an elective for me) as I finish dressing. I tell him goodnight and that this was fun. I don't hug him or kiss him goodnight like normal and within a minute I am out the door and headed down the stairs.

Now I feel confused. Its nice to know there really are no hard feelings over this break up. Actually that is not true - there are a few - but that we can talk and spend time together. Except now I have to make a decision. I still have feelings for him. So I can start a friends with benefits type deal or a more casual, no commitment version of what we had and keep the option open to work things out later on. Except, that I don't feel like I can be satisfied in that type of situation.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

KARMA: sometimes you get exactly what you deserve

Thanks so much to everyone who responded yesterday. After I finish writing this, I'm going to try to get everyone back in their blogs.

Now that you have a little background knowledge from yesterday, I'm going to talk about Karma. I don't really know if I believe in it. There's no way to prove whether it exists or not. Most of my life has been pretty great. I've been very blessed and have had some awesome opportunities. But, I've also done a lot of good in my life, have a pretty good attitude, and try really hard not to hurt people. So Karma really hasn't had a reason to hit me. Yet, I did something bad this summer. Not necessarily bad, but forbidden, immoral, whatever. And I showed absolutely no remorse. I'm a huge proponent of loyalty and faithfullness in relationships. I think its wrong to cheat. The line on that one has always been pretty black and white. So I've never cheated. And I really never thought I would be the "other woman" either. I remember when I was a freshman in high school my ex boyfriend was talking to me before a football game and he leaned over and kissed me. He had a new girlfriend by this point and it made me feel incredibly guilty and I was furious with him and refused to talk to him because he put me in that position. My feelings on that one were clear: infidelity in any relationship is wrong.

However, when it came to the boy I was talking about yesterday - the line didn't seem so clear. Sure, he had a girlfriend. But I justified my actions with the fact that he never actually told me about her, that she couldn't get hurt if she never found out, and that I didn't know her so I couldn't put a face with the girl I was betraying. Plus we had just undeniable chemistry.

Then I met this other boy and we began dating. Once it was clear that we were headed towards a relationship, I ended all contact with the other boy. The line wasn't so clear when I was helping someone cheat but I wasn't going to be a cheater myself. The relationship progressed at warp speed. He set the pace for it and I followed because he was a pretty awesome guy and I really liked spending time with him.

This is a huge deal for me because I don't do relationships. They frighten me because they make you vulnerable. Opening up and caring about someone is hard and scary. But I agreed and I'm glad I did. We had an awesome relationship then one really rough weekend. We had a talk at the end of it and decided to break up. We talked about how we really did like each other but he said that he wasn't in a place for a relationship right now. He just got out of a really serious relationship six months ago and just wants time to be alone. He said he still wanted to hang out and spend some time together occasionally and might even be ready for a relationship in a couple months but right now just needs time. And I think that's the biggest load of crap ever. He rushed me into a relationship. He rushed me into everything. I don't let people in. I don't let people hurt me. Yet, by rushing me, it made me like him, and it allowed me to get hurt.

I still don't know if Karma actually exists. But regardless of what you call it, I'm wondering if I didn't get exactly what I deserved with this one. I helped a boy cheat on his girlfriend. She never found out, she never got hurt but he still cheated. He was still disloyal to her. And I helped. Then, I had my own loyal, sweet boyfriend who didn't cheat on me but nevertheless ended up hurting me. I hurt her, even though she'll probably never know, and in turn I got hurt. Maybe that is Karma...

Saturday, September 12, 2009

TEMPTATION: don't we all want what we can't have

Hi. I'm Emma. :)

This is my first entry but I'm hoping to become a regular so show some support please.

About two months ago I posted this on another blog site:

Recently I've been thinking about temptation. I've been thinking about the things that tempt us (drugs, alcohol, sex, steamy affairs with inappropriate men) and why we want them. I think we want the things that we know are bad for us because we know we're not supposed to have them. These things aren't good for us and we know we shouldn't do them. Yet, being denied makes us want them all the more. Honestly, don't we all want what we can't have?

There's a guy that I've known since my freshman year of college. We made out at the end of freshman year then left for the summer. After returning in the fall, we flirted often throughout the rest of college. Whenever we are both single and he would try to start something with me I always found an excuse as to why I couldn't hang out.
Yet, whenever he has a girlfriend I find myself so tempted by his invitations to hang out in private. Even though I know what would happen. Even though I know its a bad idea. Even though I know it is wrong. I'm never really interested when he's single and available. It all goes back to the principal of temptation. We all want what we can't have.

Well, I ended up succombing to temptation with this boy. It was simply undeniable. Not being able to have him made me want him so much more and we ended up starting this brief affair. It all happened so quickly that I didn't even have time to think about what I was doing. The only thing that I did think about was how would it end? Would I get out without getting hurt? Then, that made me think - how can you get hurt if its a casual affair - don't feelings have to be involved? Then, my only worry was what would happen if we got caught? He couldn't hurt me because of my lack of feelings for him. It was all about physical attraction and lust - not being able to say no to someone because you want them so bad. He was simply undeniable. There's no better word - I didn't feel like I could stop myself if I tried. The only way I could get hurt, then, was if we got caught and my reputation was ruined.

Somehow, I escaped completely unharmed with no one ever finding out and no reprocussions at all. Talk about luck. How many people can have affairs with irresistable yet inappropriate men without ever being found out? No movie or television drama - never got caught in the act by the girlfriend. No one ever developed strong feelings to complicate things. It was what it was: two people undeniably physically attracted to each other for two years - getting exactly what they wanted. Talk about passion - waiting that long for something. Yet, I did escape from it. I found something more. Someone who cared about me. Someone whose day and life I was interested in and who made me laugh and smile. So I escaped from my inappropraite affair and found someone I was genuinely interested in. Someone I liked to hold hands with, laugh with, and share dinner with, and spend free time with. And that's better than the passion or esctasy associated with any affair or of doing something forbidden. Its stability and that's awesome.

Little did I think about Karma. I've never given a lot of thought to Karma. I don't have a belief one way or another about whether it really exists. But now I'm a little curious as to whether it really exists after all and is striking me back! More to come on what I mean by Karma and my "payback" but something for everyone to think about in the meantime: Is it possible to resist temptation? Do our actions come back to haunt us later in life? Does Karma exists?