Tuesday, September 29, 2009

COMPLEXITY: why can't life be simple?

So I just typed a whole blog and it deleted itself. For future reference - is there an undo button in blogger like in programs like Microsoft Word????

Now I really must write a condensed version of what I just wrote. I have been MIA from blogger for a couple days and its late and i must study so I am going to rewrite a quick entry and will read and catch up on everyone's blogs who replied to this and my last blog tomorrow afternoon.

So Derek and I got in an argument today. Super condensed version: I was asked out on a date by a guy aquaintance. I accepted. Derek found out about this the night before the date and acted fine with it. Then we returned to his apartment and he mentioned it and suggested that he wasn't happy about it. Same type of hinting that he wasn't pleased with the idea the next several times we talked - both the morning of my date with someone else and the morning after. Then today we got in a facebook chat war about it to the point where I was so upset I had to just log off and leave my apartment and go chill with some friends just to keep myself from crying. Please note: we are adults - not middle or high school students.

Then tonight I am supposed to hang out with Jake. He asked me to come over. I said I would come but now I have just decided that I will not be going. I feel that I am just kind of done with this fling/affair. If I went tonight I would sleep with him and if I slept with him then I would only be doing it to get back at Derek. And it wouldn't actually hurt Derek because Derek would not know about it. So I would basically be using Jake to make myself feel better about Derek and my argument. And even though there is usually some using going on in affairs, that is still wrong.

So now I'm sitting here in my apartment, preparing to study for a midterm. That is a good idea. But I am still hurt from mine and Derek's argument as well as confused by it. I don't understand what he wants from me. And I hate that feeling. I hate caring. But regardless of it all, I am not going to hook up with Jake tonight. I am going to stay here in my own bed, all alone, studying for my midterm. This good behavior is quite impressive.

1 comment:

  1. oh my goodness! I am so sorry about the deleted post! bleh! Good luck on your midterm...I am so sorry you are feeling confused...it will pass though and I am sure you will make the right choice! :) stay strong!