When is enough enough?

Well, Derek did not stand me up last night. He didn't call at the time he should've because he went ahead with his guy friends to dinner and to watch part of the game. Then called to ask me to come over and watch the rest with him so we could have some one-on-one time which we hadn't had lately. But by then, I was so furious that he hadn't called at the time he said he would that I didn't want to go. He told me that that hurt his feelings and he really wanted me to come by. So I did.

He poured me a glass of wine and watched the rest of the game together. Then we talked a little after it was over and he wanted to know what had been going on in my life since we hadn't had any time alone lately. So we chatted a little while then he kissed me and told me he was sorry for the way he'd been acting lately and could he try to make it up to me that night.

We made love twice. Both times slow and totally about my needs except that its not really making love if we don't love each other. And my feelings aren't growing in that direction. I really think they could have except that with the way he's been treating me lately they seem to be going in the complete opposite direction all of a sudden.

Afterwards we cuddled for a while - which he initiated - which is rare. We usually do snuggle for a few minutes afterwards but usually not for a really long time like last night. He asked me if I was keeping something from him and I thought he meant Christopher but then he mentioned a wall post he'd seen on my facebook. Which brings me to the fact that I have a tumor on one of my ovaries and have been having to go to the doctor once a week for the past two weeks as she develops a treatment plan and as we consider surgery - it is thought to be benign hence why surgery has not been scheduled immediately.

This is not something I would usually share with him but he was presuring me to tell him what was going on and was starting to freak out suspecting that I had cancer or some other fatal disease. So I told him what was going on trying to make it sound like a total routine problem and not a big deal at all so he wouldn't worry and would stop feeling like i was leaving him out of the loop. Then we fell asleep and all throughout the night he kept his arms around me and kept snuggling close to me. And for a little while I felt like things were good again.

Then this morning, neither of us had to be at work early so we lounged in bed for a while then made love again and he touched base mid-afternoon to say hey and tell me he was glad I came over last night. And it made me think, of course he was happy to see me - we had sex three times! Despite how nice it was to be with him last night - just us - and actually getting to talk about our lives I feel empty today. I just don't feel like I have any energy left for this anymore. Maybe its the medicine and horomones my doctor has me on right now. Maybe its the winter blues. Maybe its the fact that I am away with work for the weekend and am therefore not having any fun or getting to go out with Derek or my own friends. Maybe I will feel differently next week once I get back to my normal school and work routine. Or maybe I'll feel differently next month once this surgery is over and I get back to my normal good health. But today, I feel that it isn't enough. I feel empty. And I don't feel like I have the energy to keep things up with Derek.

Contemplation

Once again, its been quite a while since my last blog. Things have been very hectic but I promise I will start commenting on everyone's blogs again soon and will try to make more regular blogs.

Since the last time I blogged, much has happened. I have been spending more time with Christopher. He is so sweet - having flowers delivered to my apartment and taking me on really cute dates - like ice skating and an indoor picnic. Yet, I don't know quite how I feel about him yet.

Things have been up and down with Derek. I went on vacation to visit my family for a couple weeks around Christmas. Right before then, things were going pretty well. Then, he was super sweet while I was gone. He called often and we had long conversations. He invited me to spend Christmas with him and his family but I didn't go. He brought souvenirs back for me and kept checking in, saying he missed me and was anxious for when I came back.

Then, I returned in time for New Years and we spent the night together with some of his circle of friends. It was fun and we had a great time. Then I didn't see him for the whole weekend after.

He wanted to see me that Sunday but I was going out of town for work. I stopped by his apartment briefly before leaving and we hung out for just a few minutes - it was relaxed and nice and made me miss all the days we spent just doing nothing. I miss lounging on the couch watching TV and sports and movies.

We haven't seen each other all week and he has made basically no effort. Tonight he asked if I'd come out with him and some friends to watch the college championship football game and I said sure, I'd love to come. He said he'd call on his way home from work and we'd make definitive plans and I haven't heard from him yet.

I have a lot of other things going on in my life right now and some of them aren't good but I'll write about those later. He should be around for this. He should be here but he doesn't even know what's going on because he hasn't taken the time to ask. This really bothers me and I keep thinking that if he doesn't follow through on these plans tonight that it really is the last straw. He never stands me up when we make plans. On occassion he's postponed them for no good reason at all but he has never stood me up. At thirty minutes to gametime, he should have called by now. And if he doesn't, I think it might be too much. But taking a stand is so much easier said than done. Walking away is easier said than done. But I don't know how much more of this I can take.