Monday, October 26, 2009

Some days are simply bittersweet

I've just returned from a long weekend with several of my girlfriends. This was full of days at the pool and beach, delicious dinners at popular restaurants in one of my favorite cities, cute dresses and sexy outfits, and an overall great time. This was a time for bonding and celebration with the girls and attention from cute boys who sent over free drinks.

While this was fun and I enjoyed the break from "real life" I really missed Derek. The break was fine for the first day or so but by Saturday I was missing him like crazy. I wasn't appreciating the cute beach boys who were flirting with me, buying me drinks, and asking for my phone number. I wasn't appreciating the fact that I am technically single while on vacation. I was just missing him and a little sad that I had to go to bed alone. I had a hard time falling asleep because I wanted his arms around me.

Yet at the same time, I know that I'm not happy with the way things are right now. I don't want to talk about it or discuss it yet. I want him to have more time. And I need more time to know what exactly it is that I do want. All I know is that I don't like the situation we're in. It doesn't make me happy. But I don't know what will. Will I be happier if I cut my losses early and move on. Its only been four months so it would hurt to end this but the pain would probably be fairly short lived. Or should I be patient now and stick it out to see what happens? We definitely have potential and I do care about him. I know he cares about me too, but I don't know where this is going. I don't know where I want it to go. And unfortunately, neither does he. So is it better to cut my losses early and move on to a healthier, less complicated situation. I could be single for a while or meet someone else. Or is it worth the risk of being hurt worse in a couple months?

Thoughts like this make my day feel bittersweet. I'm happy to be home, happy to be back to reality and back to close proximity to him. But also, the confusion and complication is here too. And the combination has made this day feel bittersweet.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Sometimes life seems to come to a standstill...

Right now my life feels as if it has come to a standstill. Its waiting for me to make a choice. For Derek to make a choice. Its waiting for someone to make a decision that will cause some kind of action, that will determine what the future will hold. But right now, in this moment tonight, it is at a standstill.

The world is going by around me. The season has changed from the warm beginning of summer when I met Derek to the cool, crisp air of fall and there was frost on my car when I left for class this morning. My last full semester is creeping by, moving me steadily towards graduation and a world beyond this. Quizzes and papers and midterms are sneaking in and I feel finals approaching. Every time I blink my eyes another day at my current job, where I’ve been for three years, has passed and I am just weeks from my final day there. The time I have left with my college is limited and the days are passing so quickly. Despite how fast time is moving and at how fast a pace the world is changing, my life seems to be at a standstill.

I wonder what exactly it is that I feel for Derek. I know I’m not in love with him. But I don’t know if I’m not in love with him yet or if its just not there and there’s no potential to ever be in love with him. I know I like him a lot. I like spending time with him. I feel comfortable snuggling in his arms and I long for his kisses and miss his fun personality on the days I don’t see him. But if I’m not in love with him, then what exactly am I doing in this situation?

Derek and I have been doing our share of arguing this week. All over really stupid trivial things. It all started over him cancelling at the last minute for a day trip he had asked me to go on with him. Of course my feelings were hurt that he cancelled at the last minute but I wasn’t really angry. It just made me wonder how much am I actually valued by him?? Then, we were both on edge afterwards, finding little things to argue over and blow out of proportion. Each time my feelings would be so hurt and I would feel miserable. But also, each time I would long to text Jake – to try to arrange to see him. I didn’t text him though because I couldn’t figure out why I was longing for him. Was it to make myself feel better over Derek? Was it to secretly get back at Derek for starting fights with me? Or was it just because I wanted to feel wanted?

Life feels like it is at a standstill. I don’t know what’s in store for me next and I don’t know what decision to make about Derek. Do I wait it out and see where our situation goes? Do I walk away from him now and look for something less complicated?

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Baby, I get so RESTLESS

Today, I am feeling a little restless. Maybe its the bad weather - its been raining for days and the temperature has turned cold. Maybe its the pressure from my midterms and assignments due over the next couple days. Maybe its thoughts about my future and life after I graduate. Maybe its confusion over Derek. But probably, its a combination of all of these.

I am feeling the need to take some sort of action - to do something. I don't know what exactly, but I'm finding myself frustrated sitting here attempting to study. I thought about taking a break to calm myself down from the day before transitioning into studying. I thought about getting on facebook to chat for about thirty minutes with some friends. I thought about wating Friends reruns on TV. I thought about cooking something delicious. I thought about taking a quick cat nap or a hot bubble bath. But none of these were appealing. So here I am blogging because I am too frustrated to do anything productive.

I don't think it is just one aspect of my life that is making me feel this way. I think it is a culmination of everything. I feel grown up yet I'm stuck with a semester and a half left of college then the necessity of a master's degree weighing down on me. I'm starting to get tired of this city. I'm tired of my situation with Derek. I want to move. I want to start over.

Which makes me think back to four years ago...I was a senior in high school with college fast appraoching. I was in a long term relationship that wasn't right for me. I changed my mind about going to the local university in the fall and decided to go here. New school. New friends. New city. New life. It was hard to end things with my then-boyfriend. It broke my heart. It was hard to leave all my best friends. It was hard to be away from my family and to cut off ties with everything I'd grown up knowing and taking for granted. But it was definitely the right thing to do. I have a wonderful education, have made wonderful professional contacts, have wonderful friends, and a wonferful, fun life.

But now I am bored with it. I'm frustrated over it and I'm feeling restless. I can take a new job and start over in a new city. New job. New friends. New city. New life. All of my close friends are graduating too and they'll move on to graduate school and to take jobs away from this city. A few stragglers might stay but mostly, I'll have to make new friends no matter where I am to fill the voids in my social life. Starting over might be a great idea. It would alleviate the Derek frustration and give me a change of pace.

Consistency and stability is what we all hope to achieve in life. A stable job we enjoy. A stable relationship with someone to love. Consistency in our daily routine. But I have my whole life ahead to achieve those things. Maybe I need some change, some inconsistency and instability right now. I'm wondering if a change of pace might be what I'm so restless for.

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Sunday, October 11, 2009

If all is fair in love and war, why is it so easy to get hurt?

I had a wonderful weekend with Derek this weekend. We'd had a couple arguments throughout the week because we'd both been too busy to get together. On the nights he was free I wasn't and whenever I could've gotten together he had something he had to do. Then, we hung out at his apartment Friday night. I got back from a dinner with some friends pretty late so we just talked and snuggled for a little while, then went to bed. I woke up in one of his big t-shirts and with his arms wrapped around me. I went home when he left for work then he called me around lunch time and asked to take me out Saturday night. We had a great dinner then met up with some friends to watch his college team's football game. Then we went back to his apartment, ate a snack, then went to bed. Again I woke up in his arms, we laid in bed talking for a little while, then got dressed and watched a little tv. Then, I went home to run some errands and study. He called this afternoon and asked me to come to a concert with him. I couldn't go though because I needed to study some more and I have a meeting tonight in just a few minutes. It made me feel good though that he wanted to spend his whole weekend with me.

On another note, Jake has been adamently trying to meet up with me throughout the week. He even called several times while I was with Derek this weekend. Because things are so complicated with Derek, I'm tempted to say yes to Jake every time. Starting another affair with Jake would make what's going on with Derek less serious, less hurtful, and less confusing. It would take some of the feeling and emotion out of it. But isn't that wrong? Isn't having sex with Jake in order to feel better about Derek wrong? Not to mention, even though we aren't a couple anymore, I still feel like it would hurt Derek if he found out I was having sex with Jake. And even though, in a way, that's what he deserves for ending things with us, I don't want to hurt him. I can't.

Derek ended our relationship because he wasn't ready for a relationship. He still wanted to spend time together and when I wasn't up for it and was walking away, out of his life, he said, "I'm just not ready for a relationship. I just don't want one right now. But I want you." And I thought it was such a dumb reason for us not to be together and we have still been hanging out a lot and spending tons of time together. But it isn't the same. And I've been a little frustrated over it. Then, in one of our conversations this weekend, he confessed to me part of what was going on when his last relationship ended. We'd both been sharing a little about our last serious relationships and he told me how his ex girlfriend, Jessica got pregnant and had an abortion without telling him first. That wasn't what ultimately ended thier relationship but it was part of it. I couldn't imagine the roller coaster of emotions that he would be feeling at that point of time. And that wasn't even a year ago. But at the same time, this just reminds me that I'm bound to get hurt in this situation. And even though, my heart goes out to him and all he was put through in his last relationship, is it fair for me to let myself get hurt just because he got hurt in his last relationship?