I've been absent from blogspot lately so I will need to catch up on all of your lives this week. I'd like you to all catch up on mine, and leave a comment. In my last entry, I told you about how Derek said he missed me and wanted to hang out. I was contemplating whether to do that and what I felt about us. I ended up seeing Derek that night. We met for drinks then when we got back he asked me if I wanted to come up for a while. And I said, ok I would for just a few minutes. We talked for a little while and when I said I was ready to go, he asked if he could at least get a kiss on the cheek. I knew he was trying to work his way back in but I thought I could humor him so when I leaned in to kiss his cheek, he turned his head so that my lips touched his then somehow I was unable to resist his kiss.
I went out with him and some of his coworkers the next day and he told me how much it meant to him that I came. Then, the day after he and I went to the charity event together and it was a lot of fun. We had a great weekend together. Since then, I've had a birthday which he absolutely spoiled me for and after being out of town for Thanksgiving, he told me how much he missed me. And somehow things were back to normal.
Yet, this week he was a little distant. It was a rough week for me and it made me resent him a little that he wasn't around as much as normal. I am such a giver in all relationships. I listen and offer advice. I give back massages and cook dinner and surprise my boyfriends with baked goods and cute little notes when I know they're going to have a hard day of will be super busy with a heavy workload. Because of this, it really frustrated me that he wasn't around to offer any support for me this week whatsoever. I don't demand a lot from a guy. But it would be nice to get the same things I give in return.
We had an argument over this and Jake tried very hard to convince me to come visit with him. He has fight-radar. Its a type of sixth sense where he knows when things are rough between Derek and I and tries to lure me into his bed. I resisted the temptation, though. It wouldn't hurt Derek if he never found out which he probably never would. We're not in a real relationship so it isn't cheating. Yet, when it came down to whether to get in my car and drive to the very next apartment complex and keep Jake company in his empty apartment, I couldn't do it. I wouldn't. Out of respect for Derek and the fact that he's the only person I want to be sleeping with.
Then, last night we went out with several other couples. Actual couples, not people in pseudo-relationships like mine and Derek. We had a great night together but today he asked me if we were still on the same page as far as our situation goes. Basically, after seeing all these other couples together and doing all kinds of couple things was I still ok with not being a couple. And I am and every day that goes by the possibility of ever being one again is less and less appealing to me. Too much time is passing, and despite how much I do like him, I still don't love him and I don't feel like I'm moving toward love. And I don't think its because there's not potential or we don't have enough chemistry for love to grow between us, its just that my feelings seem to be moving in reverse now. Because how could I love someone who is too scared of relationships to commit to me? That's the cornerstone of all love relationships; commitment.
After realizing this, it felt like things were falling apart. I know I can't go on like this. I need a step back. Slowly, I need to spend a little less time with him, evaluate things. I don't need to expend effort to make this work or to make him happy right now. I'm starting to think that when everything falls apart, its best to just let it and see what happens with the pieces without interfering.