Sunday, October 11, 2009

If all is fair in love and war, why is it so easy to get hurt?

I had a wonderful weekend with Derek this weekend. We'd had a couple arguments throughout the week because we'd both been too busy to get together. On the nights he was free I wasn't and whenever I could've gotten together he had something he had to do. Then, we hung out at his apartment Friday night. I got back from a dinner with some friends pretty late so we just talked and snuggled for a little while, then went to bed. I woke up in one of his big t-shirts and with his arms wrapped around me. I went home when he left for work then he called me around lunch time and asked to take me out Saturday night. We had a great dinner then met up with some friends to watch his college team's football game. Then we went back to his apartment, ate a snack, then went to bed. Again I woke up in his arms, we laid in bed talking for a little while, then got dressed and watched a little tv. Then, I went home to run some errands and study. He called this afternoon and asked me to come to a concert with him. I couldn't go though because I needed to study some more and I have a meeting tonight in just a few minutes. It made me feel good though that he wanted to spend his whole weekend with me.

On another note, Jake has been adamently trying to meet up with me throughout the week. He even called several times while I was with Derek this weekend. Because things are so complicated with Derek, I'm tempted to say yes to Jake every time. Starting another affair with Jake would make what's going on with Derek less serious, less hurtful, and less confusing. It would take some of the feeling and emotion out of it. But isn't that wrong? Isn't having sex with Jake in order to feel better about Derek wrong? Not to mention, even though we aren't a couple anymore, I still feel like it would hurt Derek if he found out I was having sex with Jake. And even though, in a way, that's what he deserves for ending things with us, I don't want to hurt him. I can't.

Derek ended our relationship because he wasn't ready for a relationship. He still wanted to spend time together and when I wasn't up for it and was walking away, out of his life, he said, "I'm just not ready for a relationship. I just don't want one right now. But I want you." And I thought it was such a dumb reason for us not to be together and we have still been hanging out a lot and spending tons of time together. But it isn't the same. And I've been a little frustrated over it. Then, in one of our conversations this weekend, he confessed to me part of what was going on when his last relationship ended. We'd both been sharing a little about our last serious relationships and he told me how his ex girlfriend, Jessica got pregnant and had an abortion without telling him first. That wasn't what ultimately ended thier relationship but it was part of it. I couldn't imagine the roller coaster of emotions that he would be feeling at that point of time. And that wasn't even a year ago. But at the same time, this just reminds me that I'm bound to get hurt in this situation. And even though, my heart goes out to him and all he was put through in his last relationship, is it fair for me to let myself get hurt just because he got hurt in his last relationship?


  1. Hey Emma Grace. Nice blog, I really like your writing. It's tough, this decision you have to make. I was going to post a comment about what I think about all this, but maybe it's better if you work it out yourself. After all, you didn't write this post to seek advice or other people's point of view, did you?

    I hope everything turns out okay for you. Let us know.


  2. Oh god! Jump ship, jump ship!!

    My flatmate James is like your Derek, and he's a player who's out there sowing his wild oats. He claims to not yet want a relationship, but that he has a "connection" with all these girls (yeah right...a physical connection maybe!). Whilst yours sounds much less male-ho like, I'd be really careful. I don't want you getting your heart broken!