I had a restless night last night. I talked with Derek yesterday evening about the charity event we are going to together on Saturday. It was a fine conversation, cordial. But left me feeling empty. Then, that talk was followed by a series of strange events as I was finishing up my work before going to bed.
First, I logged on to facebook to procrastinate for a bit before doing my work. Then, the boy I dated during my freshman year of college facebook chatted me then he ended up texting me later in the evening. We're getting together for lunch when I go to visit my parents for Thanksgiving. I felt really bad for the way that ended. I completely sabataged that relationship because I just didn't want a boyfriend. He was a great guy and treated me incredibly well. I just didn't want to be with anyone. I needed a break after a three year relationship. And that is exactly how Derek claims to feel now. He likes me but its bad timing. So now, being reminded of the way I felt back then, makes me wonder if their might be validity in Derek's claims after all?
Then, as if right on cue, my high school boyfriend sent me a text completely out of the blue. We don't talk anymore. We dated for three years and it ended very poorly. I've changed phones since we last talked so I didn't realize it was him at first. We talked for over an hour and reminised about how much fun we had back in the day and how much everything has changed in our lives now. It was nice to talk but I felt absolutely nothing for him. It was comforting to know that people can move on from a long, serious relationship, awful breakup, and terrible heartbreak and be normal again. It makes me wonder if one day all the crap that Derek's ex-girlfriend did will really be in the past and if he'll feel about her the way I felt about my ex last night - absolutely nothing.
This brings me to the reason these things are plaguing me. I had a restless night thinking about these things - wondering about Derek. Then, he and I talked today and he asked if we were ever going to hang out again. And I said that we could. He asked what I meant by hang out and I said I didn't know, we'd just have to have patience and see how things go. Then he said he missed me. He said he likes me, he just doesn't love me. He said he misses me and wants to see me but doesn't want a girlfriend. And I said, I like him too and that I'd missed him. Then I said I just didn't know what to do or how I felt.
And that is the truth. I can be satisfied without a relationship right now. This is a busy time in my life and there's so much I want to do before I leave school and leave this place. I have the rest of my life to be committed to someone and to be in love. Yet, wouldn't it be stupid to pretend this whole past week never happened and to go back to a pseudo-relationship that might be headed nowhere??? Wouldn't I be locking myself down to a dead-end situation? This would surely end in disaster, with my heart broken because I know that even if not right now, eventually, I'm going to want what he says he can't give me. And I'm not good at wanting things I can't have.
Its going to be another sleepless night, I think. Last night I tossed and turned for hours craving his arms to be wrapped around me, to pretend like everything was good again.