Right now my life feels as if it has come to a standstill. Its waiting for me to make a choice. For Derek to make a choice. Its waiting for someone to make a decision that will cause some kind of action, that will determine what the future will hold. But right now, in this moment tonight, it is at a standstill.
The world is going by around me. The season has changed from the warm beginning of summer when I met Derek to the cool, crisp air of fall and there was frost on my car when I left for class this morning. My last full semester is creeping by, moving me steadily towards graduation and a world beyond this. Quizzes and papers and midterms are sneaking in and I feel finals approaching. Every time I blink my eyes another day at my current job, where I’ve been for three years, has passed and I am just weeks from my final day there. The time I have left with my college is limited and the days are passing so quickly. Despite how fast time is moving and at how fast a pace the world is changing, my life seems to be at a standstill.
I wonder what exactly it is that I feel for Derek. I know I’m not in love with him. But I don’t know if I’m not in love with him yet or if its just not there and there’s no potential to ever be in love with him. I know I like him a lot. I like spending time with him. I feel comfortable snuggling in his arms and I long for his kisses and miss his fun personality on the days I don’t see him. But if I’m not in love with him, then what exactly am I doing in this situation?
Derek and I have been doing our share of arguing this week. All over really stupid trivial things. It all started over him cancelling at the last minute for a day trip he had asked me to go on with him. Of course my feelings were hurt that he cancelled at the last minute but I wasn’t really angry. It just made me wonder how much am I actually valued by him?? Then, we were both on edge afterwards, finding little things to argue over and blow out of proportion. Each time my feelings would be so hurt and I would feel miserable. But also, each time I would long to text Jake – to try to arrange to see him. I didn’t text him though because I couldn’t figure out why I was longing for him. Was it to make myself feel better over Derek? Was it to secretly get back at Derek for starting fights with me? Or was it just because I wanted to feel wanted?
Life feels like it is at a standstill. I don’t know what’s in store for me next and I don’t know what decision to make about Derek. Do I wait it out and see where our situation goes? Do I walk away from him now and look for something less complicated?