Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Life is a series of CHOICES

I worked with a girl at a summer camp two years ago and she had the philosophy that "life is a series of choices and their consequences." She was a super cute girl - petite, blonde, bubbly. She's the kind of girl you would expect to believe in fairy tales and true love. That's why it was so suprising that she had this matter of fact outlook on life. And on love.

I was raised with a Christian upbringing and attended church regularly. I still do, even in my adult life. One of the religious topics I remember being really interested in all my life was that of predestination. Does we really have free will to make our own choices or does God have a path chosen and laid out for us?

I don't really know what I believe about this. I'd like to think I'm idealistic and that I believe some things are simply meant to be. Yet, at the same time, I find myself sitting here at my desk thinking about the choices that led me here to where I am tonight. Sometimes even the smallest choice can have huge reprocussions. For example, had I not followed my best friend into the bar where she met her boyfriend, I would never have met Derek.

Or, what if the very first time Jake tried to begin a fling with me, I shot him down. What if I never returned any of his texts or phonecalls or never even hung out with him. What if I followed my common sense and never began an affair with him. Had I not, I might never have met Derek. I might have begun a relationship with someone else entirely - someone I overlooked while I was preoccupied with Jake. Something as small as that could have changed my life altogether.

And tonight: Derek asked me to hang out. It is a bad idea. I don't know if I'm going yet because he hasn't gotten off work or called to confirm. But regardless - I'm sitting here wondering what exactly does he feel for me? What exactly do I feel for him? Is spending time with him wrong if its probably not going anywhere? Am I sure this is really a dead end or could it actually go somewhere? Could I see myself getting serious with him? If not, then aren't I wasting my time and effort regardless?

These feelings are a series of choices and their consequences. I met a boy in a bar. He asked my friends and I to join his table. He was trying to get my attention but I was distracted by texts from Jake. So he began talking to my friend. He got a little too friendly so she and I decided to go across the street to the bar where the guy she had been talking with was hanging out with friends. He invited us to an after party and we decided to go - which is where I met Derek. I agreed to go out on a date with Derek when he asked and ended up going out on more and more dates. Then, I decided to stop seeing Jake and end the affair with him. I agreed to be in a relationship with Derek when he asked even though I am not a relationship person. Consequently, we broke up about two months later. Then I agreed to see him when he asked and am not in this very unique, complicated situation with him. So he asked me to hang out tonight and I chose to accept..but despite that I am sitting here thinking about our situation, my feelings for him, and wondering what exactly it is that we both want. What I am doing right now, my life at the moment, is the result of a series of choices.

So maybe this girl, my co-worker, was right - Life, and love even, is a series of choices and their consequences.


  1. Well written little glimpse into your life, Emma. I wish you the best of luck whichever way you may choose.

  2. Hi! Some very thought-provoking writing there, Emma!