Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Common Sense: Sometime it evades you when you need it most

Hi everyone!

Its been a couple days since I've written and what an eventful week it has been already! Before I get started, I just wanted to remind you that if you comment on my blog don't forget to leave your url and I will read yours and comment also.

Since I've just started this blog some of what I am writing is a little backdated because I didn't have a blog when it happened. So to get a brief timeline: The boy I had this little fling/affair with - I will call Jake from now on. Also, the very recent ex boyfriend I will call Derek. I've known Jake for over two years but the actual affair began in the late spring until early summer. Then I met Derek and we dated for about three months until last week. Hope that makes things less confusing.

Anyway, as far as the title of this entry goes - I am wondering why common sense escapes us at times where it really is necessary to use it. The specific situation that is making me wonder this occurred earlier this week when Derek called wanting to get together. This immediately shot up a red flag for me because it has only been a week since we broke up and hanging out too soon always seems like it ends in catastrophe.

Well somehow, my common sense escapes me for the first time of that evening and I agree to hang out. At his apartment. Then when I get there, he is all cheerful and happy to see me and we open a couple beers and settle down to talk and watch TV. This makes me feel better about the whole break up because I think at least we can be friends. It wasn't that serious to begin with so friends seems like a good compromise.

Then he keeps letting his leg touch my leg, or his arm tough my arm, then his hand is on my knee and his fingers are stroking my hair and I am starting to think this is not going in a very friendly direction. Then he kisses me. And talk about undeniable - this kiss was undeniable. Even more so than the kiss that sent my friendship with Jack over the line into an affair. Then one thing leads to another. Our kiss leads to full on making out which leads to fooling around which leads to amazing love making. That was the second time my common sense evaded me that evening.

I don't know who out there would agree with me but I feel that the majority of you would when I say generally speaking - having sex with your ex is a bad idea.

So of course afterwards comes the talking. And we are able to joke around like usual and talk about our plans for the rest of the week. He tells me he's missed me and talking to me every day. I try to act cool like this whole situation hasn't bothered me at all. Which obviously is not the truth since I so easily fell in bed with him. We start talking about his last relationship and how that scarred him. I say I totally understand and tell him a story about my last serious relationship. I tell him I don't normally do relationships and that we rushed into it. He says he completely agrees but still wishes we could spend time together and date casually. However, as he is explaining this my mind suddenly changes. I do understand how our current relationships are colored by our past relationships. But what I am thinking at this point was why is my life being impacted by a girl I have never met?

So as Derek is finishing talking about how he has missed me and how glad he is that I came over and commenting on how good my hair smells, I am starting to get confused and frustrated. He pulls the cover over us and strokes my arm as he lays there next to me. Then, I sit up, reach for my first article of clothing, and say "I really should proof read my history paper." He looks at me, completely confused (especially since he knows history is an elective for me) as I finish dressing. I tell him goodnight and that this was fun. I don't hug him or kiss him goodnight like normal and within a minute I am out the door and headed down the stairs.

Now I feel confused. Its nice to know there really are no hard feelings over this break up. Actually that is not true - there are a few - but that we can talk and spend time together. Except now I have to make a decision. I still have feelings for him. So I can start a friends with benefits type deal or a more casual, no commitment version of what we had and keep the option open to work things out later on. Except, that I don't feel like I can be satisfied in that type of situation.


  1. Ah. This is one of those inevitable questions that life loves to throw at you now and then! Unfortunately there is no answer for why common sense goes out the window sometimes! But perhaps in your situation, not wanting to hurt Derek and the fact that you feel comfortable around him is maybe the reason why you agreed to see him again. And there's nothing wrong with that!

    I don't usually give advice on other people's relationships but you should remember that you broke up for a reason. That usually helps when you feel undecided afterwards. I hope you figure it all out soon! :)

  2. I give plenty of unsolicited advice, on the other hand. I won't be mad if you don't hear me out. That's totally cool. In fact, making up your own mind (and heart) about the issue is most important. I've been in this situation... and it was nothing but trouble for me. I ended up being the hook-up girl -- whenever he wanted it, he got it because he knew I was hooked. Why we couldn't have a relationship (other than that although he admitted being attracted to me, it was obvious that he was also embarrassed about it, like, in public), I don't really know exactly. What I DO know, however, is that when it really is love (another thing in and of itself), you won't feel the need to question either your mind or heart. Just trust yourself, girl... it'll all work out.

    Best wishes!