I've just returned from a long weekend with several of my girlfriends. This was full of days at the pool and beach, delicious dinners at popular restaurants in one of my favorite cities, cute dresses and sexy outfits, and an overall great time. This was a time for bonding and celebration with the girls and attention from cute boys who sent over free drinks.
While this was fun and I enjoyed the break from "real life" I really missed Derek. The break was fine for the first day or so but by Saturday I was missing him like crazy. I wasn't appreciating the cute beach boys who were flirting with me, buying me drinks, and asking for my phone number. I wasn't appreciating the fact that I am technically single while on vacation. I was just missing him and a little sad that I had to go to bed alone. I had a hard time falling asleep because I wanted his arms around me.
Yet at the same time, I know that I'm not happy with the way things are right now. I don't want to talk about it or discuss it yet. I want him to have more time. And I need more time to know what exactly it is that I do want. All I know is that I don't like the situation we're in. It doesn't make me happy. But I don't know what will. Will I be happier if I cut my losses early and move on. Its only been four months so it would hurt to end this but the pain would probably be fairly short lived. Or should I be patient now and stick it out to see what happens? We definitely have potential and I do care about him. I know he cares about me too, but I don't know where this is going. I don't know where I want it to go. And unfortunately, neither does he. So is it better to cut my losses early and move on to a healthier, less complicated situation. I could be single for a while or meet someone else. Or is it worth the risk of being hurt worse in a couple months?
Thoughts like this make my day feel bittersweet. I'm happy to be home, happy to be back to reality and back to close proximity to him. But also, the confusion and complication is here too. And the combination has made this day feel bittersweet.