Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Now I really must write a condensed version of what I just wrote. I have been MIA from blogger for a couple days and its late and i must study so I am going to rewrite a quick entry and will read and catch up on everyone's blogs who replied to this and my last blog tomorrow afternoon.
So Derek and I got in an argument today. Super condensed version: I was asked out on a date by a guy aquaintance. I accepted. Derek found out about this the night before the date and acted fine with it. Then we returned to his apartment and he mentioned it and suggested that he wasn't happy about it. Same type of hinting that he wasn't pleased with the idea the next several times we talked - both the morning of my date with someone else and the morning after. Then today we got in a facebook chat war about it to the point where I was so upset I had to just log off and leave my apartment and go chill with some friends just to keep myself from crying. Please note: we are adults - not middle or high school students.
Then tonight I am supposed to hang out with Jake. He asked me to come over. I said I would come but now I have just decided that I will not be going. I feel that I am just kind of done with this fling/affair. If I went tonight I would sleep with him and if I slept with him then I would only be doing it to get back at Derek. And it wouldn't actually hurt Derek because Derek would not know about it. So I would basically be using Jake to make myself feel better about Derek and my argument. And even though there is usually some using going on in affairs, that is still wrong.
So now I'm sitting here in my apartment, preparing to study for a midterm. That is a good idea. But I am still hurt from mine and Derek's argument as well as confused by it. I don't understand what he wants from me. And I hate that feeling. I hate caring. But regardless of it all, I am not going to hook up with Jake tonight. I am going to stay here in my own bed, all alone, studying for my midterm. This good behavior is quite impressive.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
I was raised with a Christian upbringing and attended church regularly. I still do, even in my adult life. One of the religious topics I remember being really interested in all my life was that of predestination. Does we really have free will to make our own choices or does God have a path chosen and laid out for us?
I don't really know what I believe about this. I'd like to think I'm idealistic and that I believe some things are simply meant to be. Yet, at the same time, I find myself sitting here at my desk thinking about the choices that led me here to where I am tonight. Sometimes even the smallest choice can have huge reprocussions. For example, had I not followed my best friend into the bar where she met her boyfriend, I would never have met Derek.
Or, what if the very first time Jake tried to begin a fling with me, I shot him down. What if I never returned any of his texts or phonecalls or never even hung out with him. What if I followed my common sense and never began an affair with him. Had I not, I might never have met Derek. I might have begun a relationship with someone else entirely - someone I overlooked while I was preoccupied with Jake. Something as small as that could have changed my life altogether.
And tonight: Derek asked me to hang out. It is a bad idea. I don't know if I'm going yet because he hasn't gotten off work or called to confirm. But regardless - I'm sitting here wondering what exactly does he feel for me? What exactly do I feel for him? Is spending time with him wrong if its probably not going anywhere? Am I sure this is really a dead end or could it actually go somewhere? Could I see myself getting serious with him? If not, then aren't I wasting my time and effort regardless?
These feelings are a series of choices and their consequences. I met a boy in a bar. He asked my friends and I to join his table. He was trying to get my attention but I was distracted by texts from Jake. So he began talking to my friend. He got a little too friendly so she and I decided to go across the street to the bar where the guy she had been talking with was hanging out with friends. He invited us to an after party and we decided to go - which is where I met Derek. I agreed to go out on a date with Derek when he asked and ended up going out on more and more dates. Then, I decided to stop seeing Jake and end the affair with him. I agreed to be in a relationship with Derek when he asked even though I am not a relationship person. Consequently, we broke up about two months later. Then I agreed to see him when he asked and am not in this very unique, complicated situation with him. So he asked me to hang out tonight and I chose to accept..but despite that I am sitting here thinking about our situation, my feelings for him, and wondering what exactly it is that we both want. What I am doing right now, my life at the moment, is the result of a series of choices.
So maybe this girl, my co-worker, was right - Life, and love even, is a series of choices and their consequences.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Its been a couple days since I've written and what an eventful week it has been already! Before I get started, I just wanted to remind you that if you comment on my blog don't forget to leave your url and I will read yours and comment also.
Since I've just started this blog some of what I am writing is a little backdated because I didn't have a blog when it happened. So to get a brief timeline: The boy I had this little fling/affair with - I will call Jake from now on. Also, the very recent ex boyfriend I will call Derek. I've known Jake for over two years but the actual affair began in the late spring until early summer. Then I met Derek and we dated for about three months until last week. Hope that makes things less confusing.
Anyway, as far as the title of this entry goes - I am wondering why common sense escapes us at times where it really is necessary to use it. The specific situation that is making me wonder this occurred earlier this week when Derek called wanting to get together. This immediately shot up a red flag for me because it has only been a week since we broke up and hanging out too soon always seems like it ends in catastrophe.
Well somehow, my common sense escapes me for the first time of that evening and I agree to hang out. At his apartment. Then when I get there, he is all cheerful and happy to see me and we open a couple beers and settle down to talk and watch TV. This makes me feel better about the whole break up because I think at least we can be friends. It wasn't that serious to begin with so friends seems like a good compromise.
Then he keeps letting his leg touch my leg, or his arm tough my arm, then his hand is on my knee and his fingers are stroking my hair and I am starting to think this is not going in a very friendly direction. Then he kisses me. And talk about undeniable - this kiss was undeniable. Even more so than the kiss that sent my friendship with Jack over the line into an affair. Then one thing leads to another. Our kiss leads to full on making out which leads to fooling around which leads to amazing love making. That was the second time my common sense evaded me that evening.
I don't know who out there would agree with me but I feel that the majority of you would when I say generally speaking - having sex with your ex is a bad idea.
So of course afterwards comes the talking. And we are able to joke around like usual and talk about our plans for the rest of the week. He tells me he's missed me and talking to me every day. I try to act cool like this whole situation hasn't bothered me at all. Which obviously is not the truth since I so easily fell in bed with him. We start talking about his last relationship and how that scarred him. I say I totally understand and tell him a story about my last serious relationship. I tell him I don't normally do relationships and that we rushed into it. He says he completely agrees but still wishes we could spend time together and date casually. However, as he is explaining this my mind suddenly changes. I do understand how our current relationships are colored by our past relationships. But what I am thinking at this point was why is my life being impacted by a girl I have never met?
So as Derek is finishing talking about how he has missed me and how glad he is that I came over and commenting on how good my hair smells, I am starting to get confused and frustrated. He pulls the cover over us and strokes my arm as he lays there next to me. Then, I sit up, reach for my first article of clothing, and say "I really should proof read my history paper." He looks at me, completely confused (especially since he knows history is an elective for me) as I finish dressing. I tell him goodnight and that this was fun. I don't hug him or kiss him goodnight like normal and within a minute I am out the door and headed down the stairs.
Now I feel confused. Its nice to know there really are no hard feelings over this break up. Actually that is not true - there are a few - but that we can talk and spend time together. Except now I have to make a decision. I still have feelings for him. So I can start a friends with benefits type deal or a more casual, no commitment version of what we had and keep the option open to work things out later on. Except, that I don't feel like I can be satisfied in that type of situation.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Now that you have a little background knowledge from yesterday, I'm going to talk about Karma. I don't really know if I believe in it. There's no way to prove whether it exists or not. Most of my life has been pretty great. I've been very blessed and have had some awesome opportunities. But, I've also done a lot of good in my life, have a pretty good attitude, and try really hard not to hurt people. So Karma really hasn't had a reason to hit me. Yet, I did something bad this summer. Not necessarily bad, but forbidden, immoral, whatever. And I showed absolutely no remorse. I'm a huge proponent of loyalty and faithfullness in relationships. I think its wrong to cheat. The line on that one has always been pretty black and white. So I've never cheated. And I really never thought I would be the "other woman" either. I remember when I was a freshman in high school my ex boyfriend was talking to me before a football game and he leaned over and kissed me. He had a new girlfriend by this point and it made me feel incredibly guilty and I was furious with him and refused to talk to him because he put me in that position. My feelings on that one were clear: infidelity in any relationship is wrong.
However, when it came to the boy I was talking about yesterday - the line didn't seem so clear. Sure, he had a girlfriend. But I justified my actions with the fact that he never actually told me about her, that she couldn't get hurt if she never found out, and that I didn't know her so I couldn't put a face with the girl I was betraying. Plus we had just undeniable chemistry.
Then I met this other boy and we began dating. Once it was clear that we were headed towards a relationship, I ended all contact with the other boy. The line wasn't so clear when I was helping someone cheat but I wasn't going to be a cheater myself. The relationship progressed at warp speed. He set the pace for it and I followed because he was a pretty awesome guy and I really liked spending time with him.
This is a huge deal for me because I don't do relationships. They frighten me because they make you vulnerable. Opening up and caring about someone is hard and scary. But I agreed and I'm glad I did. We had an awesome relationship then one really rough weekend. We had a talk at the end of it and decided to break up. We talked about how we really did like each other but he said that he wasn't in a place for a relationship right now. He just got out of a really serious relationship six months ago and just wants time to be alone. He said he still wanted to hang out and spend some time together occasionally and might even be ready for a relationship in a couple months but right now just needs time. And I think that's the biggest load of crap ever. He rushed me into a relationship. He rushed me into everything. I don't let people in. I don't let people hurt me. Yet, by rushing me, it made me like him, and it allowed me to get hurt.
I still don't know if Karma actually exists. But regardless of what you call it, I'm wondering if I didn't get exactly what I deserved with this one. I helped a boy cheat on his girlfriend. She never found out, she never got hurt but he still cheated. He was still disloyal to her. And I helped. Then, I had my own loyal, sweet boyfriend who didn't cheat on me but nevertheless ended up hurting me. I hurt her, even though she'll probably never know, and in turn I got hurt. Maybe that is Karma...
Saturday, September 12, 2009
This is my first entry but I'm hoping to become a regular so show some support please.
About two months ago I posted this on another blog site:
Recently I've been thinking about temptation. I've been thinking about the things that tempt us (drugs, alcohol, sex, steamy affairs with inappropriate men) and why we want them. I think we want the things that we know are bad for us because we know we're not supposed to have them. These things aren't good for us and we know we shouldn't do them. Yet, being denied makes us want them all the more. Honestly, don't we all want what we can't have?
There's a guy that I've known since my freshman year of college. We made out at the end of freshman year then left for the summer. After returning in the fall, we flirted often throughout the rest of college. Whenever we are both single and he would try to start something with me I always found an excuse as to why I couldn't hang out.
Yet, whenever he has a girlfriend I find myself so tempted by his invitations to hang out in private. Even though I know what would happen. Even though I know its a bad idea. Even though I know it is wrong. I'm never really interested when he's single and available. It all goes back to the principal of temptation. We all want what we can't have.
Well, I ended up succombing to temptation with this boy. It was simply undeniable. Not being able to have him made me want him so much more and we ended up starting this brief affair. It all happened so quickly that I didn't even have time to think about what I was doing. The only thing that I did think about was how would it end? Would I get out without getting hurt? Then, that made me think - how can you get hurt if its a casual affair - don't feelings have to be involved? Then, my only worry was what would happen if we got caught? He couldn't hurt me because of my lack of feelings for him. It was all about physical attraction and lust - not being able to say no to someone because you want them so bad. He was simply undeniable. There's no better word - I didn't feel like I could stop myself if I tried. The only way I could get hurt, then, was if we got caught and my reputation was ruined.
Somehow, I escaped completely unharmed with no one ever finding out and no reprocussions at all. Talk about luck. How many people can have affairs with irresistable yet inappropriate men without ever being found out? No movie or television drama - never got caught in the act by the girlfriend. No one ever developed strong feelings to complicate things. It was what it was: two people undeniably physically attracted to each other for two years - getting exactly what they wanted. Talk about passion - waiting that long for something. Yet, I did escape from it. I found something more. Someone who cared about me. Someone whose day and life I was interested in and who made me laugh and smile. So I escaped from my inappropraite affair and found someone I was genuinely interested in. Someone I liked to hold hands with, laugh with, and share dinner with, and spend free time with. And that's better than the passion or esctasy associated with any affair or of doing something forbidden. Its stability and that's awesome.
Little did I think about Karma. I've never given a lot of thought to Karma. I don't have a belief one way or another about whether it really exists. But now I'm a little curious as to whether it really exists after all and is striking me back! More to come on what I mean by Karma and my "payback" but something for everyone to think about in the meantime: Is it possible to resist temptation? Do our actions come back to haunt us later in life? Does Karma exists?