Thursday, November 12, 2009

"Without you next to me I toss and turn like the sea"

I had a restless night last night. I talked with Derek yesterday evening about the charity event we are going to together on Saturday. It was a fine conversation, cordial. But left me feeling empty. Then, that talk was followed by a series of strange events as I was finishing up my work before going to bed.

First, I logged on to facebook to procrastinate for a bit before doing my work. Then, the boy I dated during my freshman year of college facebook chatted me then he ended up texting me later in the evening. We're getting together for lunch when I go to visit my parents for Thanksgiving. I felt really bad for the way that ended. I completely sabataged that relationship because I just didn't want a boyfriend. He was a great guy and treated me incredibly well. I just didn't want to be with anyone. I needed a break after a three year relationship. And that is exactly how Derek claims to feel now. He likes me but its bad timing. So now, being reminded of the way I felt back then, makes me wonder if their might be validity in Derek's claims after all?

Then, as if right on cue, my high school boyfriend sent me a text completely out of the blue. We don't talk anymore. We dated for three years and it ended very poorly. I've changed phones since we last talked so I didn't realize it was him at first. We talked for over an hour and reminised about how much fun we had back in the day and how much everything has changed in our lives now. It was nice to talk but I felt absolutely nothing for him. It was comforting to know that people can move on from a long, serious relationship, awful breakup, and terrible heartbreak and be normal again. It makes me wonder if one day all the crap that Derek's ex-girlfriend did will really be in the past and if he'll feel about her the way I felt about my ex last night - absolutely nothing.

This brings me to the reason these things are plaguing me. I had a restless night thinking about these things - wondering about Derek. Then, he and I talked today and he asked if we were ever going to hang out again. And I said that we could. He asked what I meant by hang out and I said I didn't know, we'd just have to have patience and see how things go. Then he said he missed me. He said he likes me, he just doesn't love me. He said he misses me and wants to see me but doesn't want a girlfriend. And I said, I like him too and that I'd missed him. Then I said I just didn't know what to do or how I felt.

And that is the truth. I can be satisfied without a relationship right now. This is a busy time in my life and there's so much I want to do before I leave school and leave this place. I have the rest of my life to be committed to someone and to be in love. Yet, wouldn't it be stupid to pretend this whole past week never happened and to go back to a pseudo-relationship that might be headed nowhere??? Wouldn't I be locking myself down to a dead-end situation? This would surely end in disaster, with my heart broken because I know that even if not right now, eventually, I'm going to want what he says he can't give me. And I'm not good at wanting things I can't have.

Its going to be another sleepless night, I think. Last night I tossed and turned for hours craving his arms to be wrapped around me, to pretend like everything was good again.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

In the world of breakups: Control is power and control is peace of mind

Well I have a date with Christopher. This is a brand new boy. I met him over the weekend and we are going out on Friday. He is very cute - tall, blonde, super attractive. I met him while out of town over the weekend. Ironically, I met him because of the end of my pseudo-relationship with Derek. Had that not occurred at the exact moment it did, I would have never gone out of town by myself and would not have met Christopher. Its so funny how life's events line up as consequences of one another.

Christopher is taking me to a restaurant where I have had four first dates - none of which have resulted in a second date. I am thinking about suggesting a change in venue?

I told Derek we would speak late in the week because we are going to a charity event together on Saturday (please note my upcoming back-to-back dates). Anyway, I did not really want to speak until then. So, I already mentioned that he texted me Saturday night, which was the day we broke things off while we were both out of town - to the same town, coincidentally. Then he facebook chatted me yesterday and we talked briefly but he signed off without saying goodbye. He just sent me another text message a few minutes ago an dwe talked via text for about twenty minutes then I asked him how his day was and he never answered.

This should be fine with me because I wanted a little break from talking to him, some time to think about things and transition from what we were to a friendship. But it tugs at my emotions when he starts a conversation with me then goes MIA, without ending it. Its because he has the control. And I want to be the one in control.

Control gives you power and control gives you peace in a breakup. So I really like to be the one with the control. So far I'm feeling good with this decision and feeling that we are doing the right thing, but at moments like that, when he has all the power, I start to get second thoughts.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Taking a stand and moving on...

Its been quite a while since my last post. Its been a busy couple weeks but I will getting back to blogging this week and will get caught up on everyone's blogs tomorrow and Tuesday in my downtime at work.

Well...the past two weeks have been so busy because I've been spending all my spare time away from school and work with Derek. In the past two weeks, prior to yesterday and today, there were only two days we didn't spend together. We'd been having a great time. We took a quick overnight trip together on Halloween weekend and have gone to dinner, out with friends, and spent plenty of days cuddling on the couch watchin a movie or baseball game. And things were going great. I turned down a couple offers to meet up with Jake, staying true to the monogamy of this pseudo-relationship I seem to find myself in.

We were both in awful moods on Thursday so we went to dinner, had some drinks, then had an amazing sex session and spent a couple hours lounging around naked talking and cuddling and further improving each other's moods. Then we went out with a huge group of friends on Friday and it was fun. We made our way back to his apartment and went straight to bed since it would be an early morning for both of us on Saturday morning. We had plans to go out of town together again for a sporting event on Saturday after work. Then before falling asleep, he asked me if I was still ok with this situation we were in. And I said that I was. He said he's enjoying spending so much time with me but still doesn't want to get serious yet. He wants to keep things casual because he still isn't ready for another relationship. So I told him I understood and that it was ok with me. Then we drifted off to sleep.

There was no touching or cuddling and I could barely sleep the whole night. I had just re-committed myself to this pseudo-relationship where we can go on dates and talk everyday and have monogamous sex without actually assumming the status of being in a relationship. This had been my opportunity for an out, for me to say that I do believe in relationships and I believe in giving people chances. This was my opportunity to stand up for what I believe about relationships and to stand up for myself. And I didn't. So I tossed and turned all night. Actually, I didn't toss and turn. I stayed completely still and awake making sure not to wake Derek up. I thought and thought and contemplated running home to my own bed to get some sleep without his presence looming over me but was afraid to wake him. So when the alarm finally went off, we got up, got dressed and he got ready to shower for work. Then I said, "Derek, I think we should try this as strictly friends for a while." And I went into my reasoning, told him I'd talk with him sometime towards the end of the week, and I left. It was obviously not what he was expecting from his reaction to this talk but I felt that I had to do it to retain some pride and some respect for myself. So I walked away.

I came home and took a scalding hot shower where I cried the entire time. Then, I got out and got dressed and moved on with my weekend. I went to visit my sister and he went to spend the weekend with friends. These friends and my sister live in the same small town. So were out and about in such close proximity on Saturday night but we didn't run into each other. He sent me a text to see how my night was. So I texted him back and said it was good and that I hoped his weekend went well too. Then I enjoyed the rest of my weekend and even met a new boy, henceforth called Christopher. I don't know what I want to happen there but we are seeing each other again this weekend. I'm wondering if he is my form of rebound from Derek or just the beginning of my moving on...