Taking a stand and moving on...

Its been quite a while since my last post. Its been a busy couple weeks but I will getting back to blogging this week and will get caught up on everyone's blogs tomorrow and Tuesday in my downtime at work.

Well...the past two weeks have been so busy because I've been spending all my spare time away from school and work with Derek. In the past two weeks, prior to yesterday and today, there were only two days we didn't spend together. We'd been having a great time. We took a quick overnight trip together on Halloween weekend and have gone to dinner, out with friends, and spent plenty of days cuddling on the couch watchin a movie or baseball game. And things were going great. I turned down a couple offers to meet up with Jake, staying true to the monogamy of this pseudo-relationship I seem to find myself in.

We were both in awful moods on Thursday so we went to dinner, had some drinks, then had an amazing sex session and spent a couple hours lounging around naked talking and cuddling and further improving each other's moods. Then we went out with a huge group of friends on Friday and it was fun. We made our way back to his apartment and went straight to bed since it would be an early morning for both of us on Saturday morning. We had plans to go out of town together again for a sporting event on Saturday after work. Then before falling asleep, he asked me if I was still ok with this situation we were in. And I said that I was. He said he's enjoying spending so much time with me but still doesn't want to get serious yet. He wants to keep things casual because he still isn't ready for another relationship. So I told him I understood and that it was ok with me. Then we drifted off to sleep.

There was no touching or cuddling and I could barely sleep the whole night. I had just re-committed myself to this pseudo-relationship where we can go on dates and talk everyday and have monogamous sex without actually assumming the status of being in a relationship. This had been my opportunity for an out, for me to say that I do believe in relationships and I believe in giving people chances. This was my opportunity to stand up for what I believe about relationships and to stand up for myself. And I didn't. So I tossed and turned all night. Actually, I didn't toss and turn. I stayed completely still and awake making sure not to wake Derek up. I thought and thought and contemplated running home to my own bed to get some sleep without his presence looming over me but was afraid to wake him. So when the alarm finally went off, we got up, got dressed and he got ready to shower for work. Then I said, "Derek, I think we should try this as strictly friends for a while." And I went into my reasoning, told him I'd talk with him sometime towards the end of the week, and I left. It was obviously not what he was expecting from his reaction to this talk but I felt that I had to do it to retain some pride and some respect for myself. So I walked away.

I came home and took a scalding hot shower where I cried the entire time. Then, I got out and got dressed and moved on with my weekend. I went to visit my sister and he went to spend the weekend with friends. These friends and my sister live in the same small town. So were out and about in such close proximity on Saturday night but we didn't run into each other. He sent me a text to see how my night was. So I texted him back and said it was good and that I hoped his weekend went well too. Then I enjoyed the rest of my weekend and even met a new boy, henceforth called Christopher. I don't know what I want to happen there but we are seeing each other again this weekend. I'm wondering if he is my form of rebound from Derek or just the beginning of my moving on...