When is enough enough?

Well, Derek did not stand me up last night. He didn't call at the time he should've because he went ahead with his guy friends to dinner and to watch part of the game. Then called to ask me to come over and watch the rest with him so we could have some one-on-one time which we hadn't had lately. But by then, I was so furious that he hadn't called at the time he said he would that I didn't want to go. He told me that that hurt his feelings and he really wanted me to come by. So I did.

He poured me a glass of wine and watched the rest of the game together. Then we talked a little after it was over and he wanted to know what had been going on in my life since we hadn't had any time alone lately. So we chatted a little while then he kissed me and told me he was sorry for the way he'd been acting lately and could he try to make it up to me that night.

We made love twice. Both times slow and totally about my needs except that its not really making love if we don't love each other. And my feelings aren't growing in that direction. I really think they could have except that with the way he's been treating me lately they seem to be going in the complete opposite direction all of a sudden.

Afterwards we cuddled for a while - which he initiated - which is rare. We usually do snuggle for a few minutes afterwards but usually not for a really long time like last night. He asked me if I was keeping something from him and I thought he meant Christopher but then he mentioned a wall post he'd seen on my facebook. Which brings me to the fact that I have a tumor on one of my ovaries and have been having to go to the doctor once a week for the past two weeks as she develops a treatment plan and as we consider surgery - it is thought to be benign hence why surgery has not been scheduled immediately.

This is not something I would usually share with him but he was presuring me to tell him what was going on and was starting to freak out suspecting that I had cancer or some other fatal disease. So I told him what was going on trying to make it sound like a total routine problem and not a big deal at all so he wouldn't worry and would stop feeling like i was leaving him out of the loop. Then we fell asleep and all throughout the night he kept his arms around me and kept snuggling close to me. And for a little while I felt like things were good again.

Then this morning, neither of us had to be at work early so we lounged in bed for a while then made love again and he touched base mid-afternoon to say hey and tell me he was glad I came over last night. And it made me think, of course he was happy to see me - we had sex three times! Despite how nice it was to be with him last night - just us - and actually getting to talk about our lives I feel empty today. I just don't feel like I have any energy left for this anymore. Maybe its the medicine and horomones my doctor has me on right now. Maybe its the winter blues. Maybe its the fact that I am away with work for the weekend and am therefore not having any fun or getting to go out with Derek or my own friends. Maybe I will feel differently next week once I get back to my normal school and work routine. Or maybe I'll feel differently next month once this surgery is over and I get back to my normal good health. But today, I feel that it isn't enough. I feel empty. And I don't feel like I have the energy to keep things up with Derek.

Contemplation

Once again, its been quite a while since my last blog. Things have been very hectic but I promise I will start commenting on everyone's blogs again soon and will try to make more regular blogs.

Since the last time I blogged, much has happened. I have been spending more time with Christopher. He is so sweet - having flowers delivered to my apartment and taking me on really cute dates - like ice skating and an indoor picnic. Yet, I don't know quite how I feel about him yet.

Things have been up and down with Derek. I went on vacation to visit my family for a couple weeks around Christmas. Right before then, things were going pretty well. Then, he was super sweet while I was gone. He called often and we had long conversations. He invited me to spend Christmas with him and his family but I didn't go. He brought souvenirs back for me and kept checking in, saying he missed me and was anxious for when I came back.

Then, I returned in time for New Years and we spent the night together with some of his circle of friends. It was fun and we had a great time. Then I didn't see him for the whole weekend after.

He wanted to see me that Sunday but I was going out of town for work. I stopped by his apartment briefly before leaving and we hung out for just a few minutes - it was relaxed and nice and made me miss all the days we spent just doing nothing. I miss lounging on the couch watching TV and sports and movies.

We haven't seen each other all week and he has made basically no effort. Tonight he asked if I'd come out with him and some friends to watch the college championship football game and I said sure, I'd love to come. He said he'd call on his way home from work and we'd make definitive plans and I haven't heard from him yet.

I have a lot of other things going on in my life right now and some of them aren't good but I'll write about those later. He should be around for this. He should be here but he doesn't even know what's going on because he hasn't taken the time to ask. This really bothers me and I keep thinking that if he doesn't follow through on these plans tonight that it really is the last straw. He never stands me up when we make plans. On occassion he's postponed them for no good reason at all but he has never stood me up. At thirty minutes to gametime, he should have called by now. And if he doesn't, I think it might be too much. But taking a stand is so much easier said than done. Walking away is easier said than done. But I don't know how much more of this I can take.

When everything falls apart, LET IT

I've been absent from blogspot lately so I will need to catch up on all of your lives this week. I'd like you to all catch up on mine, and leave a comment. In my last entry, I told you about how Derek said he missed me and wanted to hang out. I was contemplating whether to do that and what I felt about us. I ended up seeing Derek that night. We met for drinks then when we got back he asked me if I wanted to come up for a while. And I said, ok I would for just a few minutes. We talked for a little while and when I said I was ready to go, he asked if he could at least get a kiss on the cheek. I knew he was trying to work his way back in but I thought I could humor him so when I leaned in to kiss his cheek, he turned his head so that my lips touched his then somehow I was unable to resist his kiss.

I went out with him and some of his coworkers the next day and he told me how much it meant to him that I came. Then, the day after he and I went to the charity event together and it was a lot of fun. We had a great weekend together. Since then, I've had a birthday which he absolutely spoiled me for and after being out of town for Thanksgiving, he told me how much he missed me. And somehow things were back to normal.

Yet, this week he was a little distant. It was a rough week for me and it made me resent him a little that he wasn't around as much as normal. I am such a giver in all relationships. I listen and offer advice. I give back massages and cook dinner and surprise my boyfriends with baked goods and cute little notes when I know they're going to have a hard day of will be super busy with a heavy workload. Because of this, it really frustrated me that he wasn't around to offer any support for me this week whatsoever. I don't demand a lot from a guy. But it would be nice to get the same things I give in return.

We had an argument over this and Jake tried very hard to convince me to come visit with him. He has fight-radar. Its a type of sixth sense where he knows when things are rough between Derek and I and tries to lure me into his bed. I resisted the temptation, though. It wouldn't hurt Derek if he never found out which he probably never would. We're not in a real relationship so it isn't cheating. Yet, when it came down to whether to get in my car and drive to the very next apartment complex and keep Jake company in his empty apartment, I couldn't do it. I wouldn't. Out of respect for Derek and the fact that he's the only person I want to be sleeping with.

Then, last night we went out with several other couples. Actual couples, not people in pseudo-relationships like mine and Derek. We had a great night together but today he asked me if we were still on the same page as far as our situation goes. Basically, after seeing all these other couples together and doing all kinds of couple things was I still ok with not being a couple. And I am and every day that goes by the possibility of ever being one again is less and less appealing to me. Too much time is passing, and despite how much I do like him, I still don't love him and I don't feel like I'm moving toward love. And I don't think its because there's not potential or we don't have enough chemistry for love to grow between us, its just that my feelings seem to be moving in reverse now. Because how could I love someone who is too scared of relationships to commit to me? That's the cornerstone of all love relationships; commitment.

After realizing this, it felt like things were falling apart. I know I can't go on like this. I need a step back. Slowly, I need to spend a little less time with him, evaluate things. I don't need to expend effort to make this work or to make him happy right now. I'm starting to think that when everything falls apart, its best to just let it and see what happens with the pieces without interfering.

"Without you next to me I toss and turn like the sea"

I had a restless night last night. I talked with Derek yesterday evening about the charity event we are going to together on Saturday. It was a fine conversation, cordial. But left me feeling empty. Then, that talk was followed by a series of strange events as I was finishing up my work before going to bed.

First, I logged on to facebook to procrastinate for a bit before doing my work. Then, the boy I dated during my freshman year of college facebook chatted me then he ended up texting me later in the evening. We're getting together for lunch when I go to visit my parents for Thanksgiving. I felt really bad for the way that ended. I completely sabataged that relationship because I just didn't want a boyfriend. He was a great guy and treated me incredibly well. I just didn't want to be with anyone. I needed a break after a three year relationship. And that is exactly how Derek claims to feel now. He likes me but its bad timing. So now, being reminded of the way I felt back then, makes me wonder if their might be validity in Derek's claims after all?

Then, as if right on cue, my high school boyfriend sent me a text completely out of the blue. We don't talk anymore. We dated for three years and it ended very poorly. I've changed phones since we last talked so I didn't realize it was him at first. We talked for over an hour and reminised about how much fun we had back in the day and how much everything has changed in our lives now. It was nice to talk but I felt absolutely nothing for him. It was comforting to know that people can move on from a long, serious relationship, awful breakup, and terrible heartbreak and be normal again. It makes me wonder if one day all the crap that Derek's ex-girlfriend did will really be in the past and if he'll feel about her the way I felt about my ex last night - absolutely nothing.

This brings me to the reason these things are plaguing me. I had a restless night thinking about these things - wondering about Derek. Then, he and I talked today and he asked if we were ever going to hang out again. And I said that we could. He asked what I meant by hang out and I said I didn't know, we'd just have to have patience and see how things go. Then he said he missed me. He said he likes me, he just doesn't love me. He said he misses me and wants to see me but doesn't want a girlfriend. And I said, I like him too and that I'd missed him. Then I said I just didn't know what to do or how I felt.

And that is the truth. I can be satisfied without a relationship right now. This is a busy time in my life and there's so much I want to do before I leave school and leave this place. I have the rest of my life to be committed to someone and to be in love. Yet, wouldn't it be stupid to pretend this whole past week never happened and to go back to a pseudo-relationship that might be headed nowhere??? Wouldn't I be locking myself down to a dead-end situation? This would surely end in disaster, with my heart broken because I know that even if not right now, eventually, I'm going to want what he says he can't give me. And I'm not good at wanting things I can't have.

Its going to be another sleepless night, I think. Last night I tossed and turned for hours craving his arms to be wrapped around me, to pretend like everything was good again.

In the world of breakups: Control is power and control is peace of mind

Well I have a date with Christopher. This is a brand new boy. I met him over the weekend and we are going out on Friday. He is very cute - tall, blonde, super attractive. I met him while out of town over the weekend. Ironically, I met him because of the end of my pseudo-relationship with Derek. Had that not occurred at the exact moment it did, I would have never gone out of town by myself and would not have met Christopher. Its so funny how life's events line up as consequences of one another.

Christopher is taking me to a restaurant where I have had four first dates - none of which have resulted in a second date. I am thinking about suggesting a change in venue?

I told Derek we would speak late in the week because we are going to a charity event together on Saturday (please note my upcoming back-to-back dates). Anyway, I did not really want to speak until then. So, I already mentioned that he texted me Saturday night, which was the day we broke things off while we were both out of town - to the same town, coincidentally. Then he facebook chatted me yesterday and we talked briefly but he signed off without saying goodbye. He just sent me another text message a few minutes ago an dwe talked via text for about twenty minutes then I asked him how his day was and he never answered.

This should be fine with me because I wanted a little break from talking to him, some time to think about things and transition from what we were to a friendship. But it tugs at my emotions when he starts a conversation with me then goes MIA, without ending it. Its because he has the control. And I want to be the one in control.

Control gives you power and control gives you peace in a breakup. So I really like to be the one with the control. So far I'm feeling good with this decision and feeling that we are doing the right thing, but at moments like that, when he has all the power, I start to get second thoughts.

Taking a stand and moving on...

Its been quite a while since my last post. Its been a busy couple weeks but I will getting back to blogging this week and will get caught up on everyone's blogs tomorrow and Tuesday in my downtime at work.

Well...the past two weeks have been so busy because I've been spending all my spare time away from school and work with Derek. In the past two weeks, prior to yesterday and today, there were only two days we didn't spend together. We'd been having a great time. We took a quick overnight trip together on Halloween weekend and have gone to dinner, out with friends, and spent plenty of days cuddling on the couch watchin a movie or baseball game. And things were going great. I turned down a couple offers to meet up with Jake, staying true to the monogamy of this pseudo-relationship I seem to find myself in.

We were both in awful moods on Thursday so we went to dinner, had some drinks, then had an amazing sex session and spent a couple hours lounging around naked talking and cuddling and further improving each other's moods. Then we went out with a huge group of friends on Friday and it was fun. We made our way back to his apartment and went straight to bed since it would be an early morning for both of us on Saturday morning. We had plans to go out of town together again for a sporting event on Saturday after work. Then before falling asleep, he asked me if I was still ok with this situation we were in. And I said that I was. He said he's enjoying spending so much time with me but still doesn't want to get serious yet. He wants to keep things casual because he still isn't ready for another relationship. So I told him I understood and that it was ok with me. Then we drifted off to sleep.

There was no touching or cuddling and I could barely sleep the whole night. I had just re-committed myself to this pseudo-relationship where we can go on dates and talk everyday and have monogamous sex without actually assumming the status of being in a relationship. This had been my opportunity for an out, for me to say that I do believe in relationships and I believe in giving people chances. This was my opportunity to stand up for what I believe about relationships and to stand up for myself. And I didn't. So I tossed and turned all night. Actually, I didn't toss and turn. I stayed completely still and awake making sure not to wake Derek up. I thought and thought and contemplated running home to my own bed to get some sleep without his presence looming over me but was afraid to wake him. So when the alarm finally went off, we got up, got dressed and he got ready to shower for work. Then I said, "Derek, I think we should try this as strictly friends for a while." And I went into my reasoning, told him I'd talk with him sometime towards the end of the week, and I left. It was obviously not what he was expecting from his reaction to this talk but I felt that I had to do it to retain some pride and some respect for myself. So I walked away.

I came home and took a scalding hot shower where I cried the entire time. Then, I got out and got dressed and moved on with my weekend. I went to visit my sister and he went to spend the weekend with friends. These friends and my sister live in the same small town. So were out and about in such close proximity on Saturday night but we didn't run into each other. He sent me a text to see how my night was. So I texted him back and said it was good and that I hoped his weekend went well too. Then I enjoyed the rest of my weekend and even met a new boy, henceforth called Christopher. I don't know what I want to happen there but we are seeing each other again this weekend. I'm wondering if he is my form of rebound from Derek or just the beginning of my moving on...

Some days are simply bittersweet

I've just returned from a long weekend with several of my girlfriends. This was full of days at the pool and beach, delicious dinners at popular restaurants in one of my favorite cities, cute dresses and sexy outfits, and an overall great time. This was a time for bonding and celebration with the girls and attention from cute boys who sent over free drinks.

While this was fun and I enjoyed the break from "real life" I really missed Derek. The break was fine for the first day or so but by Saturday I was missing him like crazy. I wasn't appreciating the cute beach boys who were flirting with me, buying me drinks, and asking for my phone number. I wasn't appreciating the fact that I am technically single while on vacation. I was just missing him and a little sad that I had to go to bed alone. I had a hard time falling asleep because I wanted his arms around me.

Yet at the same time, I know that I'm not happy with the way things are right now. I don't want to talk about it or discuss it yet. I want him to have more time. And I need more time to know what exactly it is that I do want. All I know is that I don't like the situation we're in. It doesn't make me happy. But I don't know what will. Will I be happier if I cut my losses early and move on. Its only been four months so it would hurt to end this but the pain would probably be fairly short lived. Or should I be patient now and stick it out to see what happens? We definitely have potential and I do care about him. I know he cares about me too, but I don't know where this is going. I don't know where I want it to go. And unfortunately, neither does he. So is it better to cut my losses early and move on to a healthier, less complicated situation. I could be single for a while or meet someone else. Or is it worth the risk of being hurt worse in a couple months?

Thoughts like this make my day feel bittersweet. I'm happy to be home, happy to be back to reality and back to close proximity to him. But also, the confusion and complication is here too. And the combination has made this day feel bittersweet.